What a looong day.... The time has come, however, as the weekend (Oh, now thank we all our God!) approaches, to buckle down and begin revision. And at the same time try and get back into doing my QT regularly, which I must admit has fallen along the wayside.

I've been reading The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis. Once again I delve into that delightful area of Christianity known as Theology. But in any case, isn't the whole of Christianity Theology? But anyway, what I really mean is the intellectual, logical sort of Theology. The kind that makes you think deeply about your faith, face up to the doubts you have, and then ponder about them. CS Lewis has this remarkable ability to logically explain every step. He was, as he himself once said, "dragged kicking and screaming into the Kingdom of God." He's one of those few people who were convinced of Christianity through the rightness of its logic, and of course, if its logic is truly right, then logical and sane people like him have no choice but to be gripped by it.

I begin to wonder whether I have really forgiven that person. Why is it, that whenever I hear or see the one in question I get mixed feelings? Part of me says let go, and in fact tries to let go. The other part wrinkles its nose in disgust at the fakeness, churns up malicious thoughts about what I could say to that person. Oh, the power and passion I could drive into my words! How I would pummel that ego, that masked persona, that empty laughter with all the might that language will give me cable! Power! Unlimited power!

And this brings me straight up against my pride. CS Lewis is right again, that when we start on something to please God, for example read a book, we may end up delighting in our very ability to read, or think. And I revel in my ability to think and reason and argue. Vanity of vanities! How fleeting are all the days of Man! Why do I waste my time on such petty things? Why can't I let go? Why can't I focus?

I need strength, willpower, perserverence, humility. A broken and a contrite heart.